Word's Hurt.

In 2019, I shared a large part of my life that I kept hidden for almost 4 years. 

I remember asking my mum if she was comfortable with me sharing this story. Despite this experience being something that was solely mine. 

I recognized that although my choices in wanting to be vulnerable was a chance to share my story, it was also an opportunity to open a door for public scrutiny that I wasn't particularly fond of.  I recognized that I wasn't just putting myself on the front line but I was also putting my family in the forefront of judgment. 

So, in honor of 2020 approaching in less than 12hours, I wanted to write a letter to my 18-year-old self. 

Because in 2019, I told my truth. 

Dear 18-year-old me, 

Last year of high school huh? Exciting! 

You probably won't pay much attention to the school year. Everything will literally go by in a blur and you'll be too occupied trying to get yourself out of a criminal conviction to enjoy your last year. 

Right now, you're probably too worried about the future or whether you have one. You're going to feel as if you have nothing waiting for you. All the years of hard work, wilful dreams and aspirations will become more and more small. 

Distant. 

You're going to feel completely and utterly lost with no correlation of the confident girl you use to be. 

They'll make you believe that you won't equate to anything. 

You'll believe it. 

The girl who once dreamed as big as she wanted, will no longer dream of the world but rather an opportunity to be seen.

You'll apply to University despite the circumstances because there's a glimmer of hope that someone will see the potential in you. 

Court will tire you out.

You'll feel mentally and physically broken after all the court hearings you'll have. 

It will change your perspective of the lawyers and police officers you once admired. 

You'll start to understand what it means to be young and Pacific in the criminal justice system. 

You'll recognize the privilege of being a girl. 

And understand the psychological effects that the criminal justice system has on those of minorities and those who are of low socio-economic communities. 

Why? 

Because you are one of them. 

They call them at-risk youth but at-risk of what? To society? Or to the system that was built on systemic racism and oppression?

It hit huh? 

May not feel like it now but you'll become incredibly grateful for this experience. It'll teach you how to look at the world in a different world-view. 

You'll start to humble yourself down. 

That girl who attended a decile 10 school and thought she was going to be the next Helen Clarke will realize that it takes more than just a 3min speech to change the world. 

Doesn't make sense? Don't worry, it'll make sense in a few years. 

A week before University, you'll have your final hearing. 

Your mum will wake you up and she'll sit you down and say, 'No matter what happens. We will fight this, okay?'. 

You'll start to see the woman who told you that you could be anything that you wanted to be, as a little girl. 

Who allowed you to dream. 

Who always believed that you could do anything in the world. 

She'll be what makes you fight in the future because she had fought her whole life just for you to thrive.

And just like that, you're hopeful. 

You get into the courtroom and hope that your judge is brown because, at this point, you have no hope in the criminal justice system anymore. Sad right? 

She's Pacific. [Thank you.] 

Your name gets called out and the prosecutor goes to town on you. 

'We believe that the victim's injury does not outweigh the defendant's aspirations and goals'. 

That'll hit. 

Hard. 

You'll look across the room and notice your mum. 

In that moment you're entirely grateful for her. 

Grateful for the mum who sacrificed so much to get you the education you needed. The mum who had put aside her own dreams and aspirations so that you could go ahead and dream. The mum who worked graveyard shifts, went to school and was always at the school gate at 8 am and 3 pm. 

The mum who was present. 

And now you're crying in a full courtroom. 

No one will offer you a tissue.

No one will ask if you're okay.

The police officer in the booth with you will look at you like you're insane and the whole courtroom will just stare. 

The judge will look at you and say, 'I want everyone to look at her because one day she's going to be New Zealand's future leader'. 

And at that point, you start to realize that she read your letter. 

Like actually read it. 

And she is now the woman that you will want to be when you grow up.

You dodged a bullet. 

The lucky one.

The one who had a mum who knew how to navigate the complexities of the criminal justice system. The one who fought tireless to make sure that you were able to be in the spaces you'll have the honor of sitting in, in your 20's. 

You'll start to value you're mum a lot later down the track. She'll teach you what it means to be a powerful woman.

Just try and give her a break, okay? 

Despite dodging the biggest bullet, you're left having to repair your life because unfortunately; you spent the past year being told that you weren't good enough. 

The first year of University, you'll feel so uncomfortable.

You've left one institutionalized space to walk straight into another and you'll feel completely out of place. 

You'll drop out of law school in the first week because you're traumatized from your experience at court. All these pretentious rich kids studying Law will remind you of what you hated about the criminal justice system.

It's funny once you're done with court, no one tells you how to feel or act after it. You're dropped off and said, 'Great job kid. Now go on'. - Another story for a different time.

With that being said, you'll want to forget everything about that experience. Only, to have it be what drives you when you return to law school. 

You'll fail a few classes. 

Leave University. 

And embark on your journey in finding yourself. 

Somehow you'll end up at Auckland Council's doorstep and it'll be the best decision that ever came your way. 

You'll start to realize your power. 

Your strength.

Your worth. 

It'll take you roughly 3-4 years to get your life back in order. Long right? 

But just trust the process. 

It gets better.

People will ask if you're doing okay, you'll reassure them that you're just nervous about life. 

It won't be until you're 21 and you realize your power that you'll go back to University. 

Apply for a Law Degree. 

Get into Law School. 

That you'll understand the need for lawyers who center their work around empathy. 

Because you know that there is another Nia out there. 

One, who has been told that they'll never equate to anything.

Told consistently that they aren't good enough.

And told that their wants and needs don't equate to others. 

You'll share the message of, 'Words Hurt'. 

Unthinkable opportunities will come your way to share your story. 

And the process of healing continues. 

You won't believe it now but you are worthy. 

You are your ancestors wildest dreams. 

A true reflection of the amazing woman that you've encountered in your life. 

And you are power. 

Leeesssghhhooooo!

Your's sincerely,

22-year-old, not-so responsible Nia

P.S. You gain a bunch of weight at 20, so you probably should go to the gym more often.

Humans of South Auckland Post