Investing in myself.

It's been a while.

Eight months to be exact, since I last wrote my last blog post.

I'd be lying if I said life wasn't kicking me in the butt.

But by the end of 2020, I was exhausted.

Drained, to be exact.

I was working two jobs, studied full-time, committed to other extra-curricular activities, and financially supported a youth group while trying my best to help everyone around me.

And despite being drained by the end of 2020, I was fortunate enough to watch on as young people that I was privileged to share space with; were starting to recognise their value.

I sat on the sidelines, witnessing young people who had once questioned themselves start questioning systems and processes.

I finally saw young people trusting themselves and investing in their 'why'.

And yet, as I was watching others elevate [as they should], I began to ask myself whether I was elevating alongside them.

And so, although I was emotionally, physically and spiritually drained by the end of 2020.

I started asking myself whether I was living life half-assed.

Was I reaching my full potential?

Was I allowing myself the opportunity to experience?

To do things for myself and by myself?

Any space, sector or job that you've spent far too long in, has a funny way of showing you when it's your time to move on.

And yet, it also has a funny way of guilt-tripping you at the same time.

That guilt trip looks like, normalising the act of giving, as the process of draining yourself both physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually; that thinking about leaving is non-existent—[But I guess another storytime for a different blog post].

No wonder there are so many old people in the community sector - [I said what I said].

The real reason why I haven't shared any content is that I felt incredibly guilty.

At the age of 24, I've been able to live three different lives and give back to a space that's given so much to me.

But in those same years, I have also watched peers of mine - who have had a similar family dynamic - be able to give back to their families.

And here I was feeling guilty.

I wasn't just feeling guilty for neglecting my family responsibilities, but I was feeling guilty for having the slightest feeling of regret for the decisions and experiences I've been able to have.

I simply was feeling guilty for feeling.

Doesn't make sense?

Yeah, it didn't at the time but hear me out.

Many ask why the community sector doesn't have many young Pacific people, and there are many factors, but one reason is that our families work 2-3 jobs to get us through education.

Investing energy, time and money into our lives.

Putting all their hopes and dreams on us.

To eventually, be the solution to all our families' financial problems.

And so, the reason why many of us aren't in this space is that we simply have families at home that still need as much support and investment; that we give to our communities.

Our lives are revolved around our family.

And being able to volunteer is truly a privilege.

But I'm a firm believer that regret leads to resentment, and I have and will never regret the young people I've been able to invest in, but there have been times that I have wished that I could have invested in myself during the process.

I guess, instead of resenting others - I resented myself for a long time.

I resented myself because I wasn't fulfilling my cultural obligations and responsibilities.

I resented myself because I was doing things half-assessed, and I knew it.

I resented myself because I wasn't doing things to my full potential.

I resented myself because I was considering putting myself first.

And I felt incredibly guilty for that.

And somehow, I also felt incredibly ungrateful.

In the time away, I had to unpack these emotions.

Learn to accept the present and stop re-creating my past.

Learn to appreciate the experiences, lessons and opportunities I've had.

And re-learn the meaning of internalised expectations.

I started to realise that yes, I was being incredibly ungrateful for comparing my experiences to others.

For using age to define success.

And for belittling the experiences and opportunities I've lived in my 24-years.

I realised one night on the drive home that 9-years have gone by, and I wasn't entirely sure where all of those years have gone.

The passion had stayed the same, but the faces and names have changed.

They've gotten younger.

And so, at the beginning of 2021, I asked myself if I was brave enough to try and re-familiarise myself with... well myself.

Not Veisinia Maka, the youth advocate but Veisinia Maka, the 24-year old.

Veisinia Maka, before youth development, became her life.

Veisinia Maka, before youth advocacy, was a passion.

Before, investing in young people became her entire purpose and 'why'.

And so, where exactly have I been for the last 8-months?

I've been trying to learn to be kind to myself.

To appreciate the opportunities that I've been able to experience and have.

To reimagine the future.

To revisit things that I had put on the back burner and simply said, 'i'll get to' but never do.

In the last 8-months, I did the one thing that I kept on putting on the backburner.

I finally went to Law school.

I allowed myself the opportunity to do the one thing that I never had the courage to let myself do.

And I won't lie it was hard to put myself first but I think this entire pandemic taught me that life is really short, and as much as, we invest in others, we have to invest in ourselves because life doesn't stop for anyone.

And so I, at the age of 24- years old, am in Law school.

I am giving myself permission to pursue the one thing that I wanted to do for myself.

Not for others but for me.

Unapologetically investing in myself.

Teaching myself that putting myself equally first isn't selfish but necessary.

We talk about the sustainability of projects and groups that, we, forget to recognise that we, ourselves need to be sustainable.

There comes a time where we have to step back from a space in order to return with new and improved skills.

With that being said, at the age of 24, I'm doing things slightly backwards but let's be honest, I've never been the most conventional person.

I'm still studying full-time.

I'm still committed to other extra-curricular activities.

I'm still supporting a youth group.

But now I'm investing in myself and in hindsight am investing in the dream that one day I'd be able to give back even more to the village that gave so much to me.

I haven't gone far, I've just been investing in myself more.