Lessons disguised as failures

It's been a while. 

Like everyone else, my life decided to take a hiatus and I'm not sure if it made it's way back to me just yet. 

I don't quite know how to describe these past 3 months but I guess like everyone in the world today, we're all still trying to grasp the concept of 2020. 

Although, I enjoyed the much-needed break from everything to do with life. 

I was continuously confronted by my own thoughts and trauma. 

Some were a lot harder to address.

Others are now lessons that were then disguised as failures. 

Two weeks ago, I received an email stating that my results for Semester 1 were released and despite spending many nights at 2 am trying to understand why I had returned to University, only to feel the same way I did when I left. 

Inadequate. 

I started to realise that I was giving power to a system that never asked for my permission to tell me what my value was. 

In return, my biggest set back was my internal thoughts. 

Because I continued to see myself in the eyes of an institution that wasn't created for me. 

It's interesting, they say that it gets easier. 

A year and a half later and I hate to say this to you but they lied sis.

It doesn't get any easier. 

It never does. 

Ever. 

The level of understanding of academic language may become familiar but self-doubt never stops. 

Does it mean that I should shy away from receiving a higher-level of education?

No. 

It just means that although I took a year off to understand myself, I also needed to take time to reaffirm myself. 

To be kind to myself. 

To speak to myself.

To build resilience. 

To build courage, 

And humility. 

I remember the day my academic advisor sat me down in 2017 and said, 'Hey, I think you should take a year away from University and just get to know yourself. Work. Volunteer. And then come back when you're ready'. 

But like a deer in headlights, I didn't understand what 'get to know yourself' really meant. 

I had a plan you see. 

Everyone was expecting me to head off to University, get a degree and then one day become some big shot.

And so I fought. 

Because when you face adversity, you are always taught to fight. 

For a seat. 

To be seen.

To be heard. 

To be valued.

And for some, 

to live. 

But I didn't think I won at the time. 

After failing my first year and a half of University, I was told that I needed to take a year off to 'get to know myself' in order to gain readmissions. 

But being the stubborn person that I am, I decided to enrol in another institution because you see, I hadn't been quite as honest with my mother about being expelled from University. 

To put it into simpler words, my mother thought I was attending University when in reality I was making my way to a 9-5 job. [Sorry mum.]

I figured the best way to ignore complete failure would be to apply for another institution.

Because again, I had a timeline of what I needed my life to look like at the age of 22 and expectations to full-fill. 

You see, that's where I went wrong. 

I was living for other people. 

I was living through a 5-year plan. 

And I was living through the eyes of social media but had forgotten to actually live through my own set of eyes. 

My 'get-to-know-yourself' year became my lifeline after 2-years of emotional distress. 

You see, the blog post about my experience in the criminal justice system took place at the end of 2015 and didn't quite finish until the week before I started Semester 1 of my first year at University in 2016. 

Not only had I not fully recovered from that entire experience but I had to walk into a lecture hall after 6+ months of walking into a courtroom, only to be filled with students who criticised a system that they had never fully experienced. 

In my eyes, I had gone from one failure to the next. 

And so, my 'get to know yourself' year I told myself that I was going to do one thing that I had never done for myself in the past 2-years. 

I was going to commit to showing up for myself every day. 

Learning about myself. 

And being kind to myself. 

Because the last thing I needed to do was tell myself that I couldn't do it. 

And so, when it came time to decide on whether to reapply for University I had to ask myself if I was ready for the journey ahead. 

Because you see the easiest decision is reapplying to University.

The hardest decision is committing to the 3-year journey.

And so, for those who have decided to take a break from University because they didn't do so well, take your time to speak to yourself kindly. 

Build resilience. 

Build trust with yourself. 

Because you'll need your inner voice to constantly remind yourself that you've got this. 

The only way to handle a system like the education system is to see the value in yourself, especially your ability to tackle the ongoing self-doubt and anxiety you're going to experience every day. 

Because again, saying you're going to go back to University is the easy part. 

Showing up for yourself every day in a system that reminds you of your 'failure' is the hardest. 

And so, if you're an individual who is supporting a young person who is currently in their first semester back at University, please reframe from asking the difficult question of, 'How is University?'.

The answer is not as easy as you think. 

And so, at 23-years-old my life did not go according to my plan.

Instead what was once considered a major failure is now one of the biggest lessons of my entire life.

It's taken me a lot of breakdowns and affirmations to remind myself that I'm going to be okay. 

Because the one thing I am still trying to unlearn is comparing myself to others in an academic space. 

So, those Semester 1 results... 

Yeah.

I did that.

But don't get me wrong, I had to fill my thoughts with constant affirmations in order to believe that I was capable of doing this.

I've had my fair share of sitting at a train station and crying because my anxiety got the best of me.

Is the journey over?

No.

I'm going to have semesters where my grades don't look this good but celebrating these small successes is the first step in reminding myself that I am capable of anything.

So moral of the story?

If you're worried about a timeline.

Don't.

Life isn't a movie.

Remember that these institutions will always be here when you get back.

There is absolutely nothing that you are missing out on.

The only thing that you are missing out on is allowing yourself to fill your thoughts with positive vibes.

If you're currently back in University and self-doubting yourself.

I just want to say congratulations for showing up for yourself today.

It's a long road ahead but I hope you'll give yourself the opportunity to prove to yourself that you are worthy of achieving anything that you put your mind to.