The Importance of Fatherhood

I guess you're wondering why I've decided to write a blog post on the 'Importance of Fatherhood'? I get it. It's a subject many wouldn't think a female would think of entering because of its sensitivity and on-going advocacy provided by our male counterparts. The thing is, I've never been the conventional type. So, hear me out. When I decided to make this blog, I knew that I wanted to share my honest insights into the learnings I've had within institutions as a young Pacifika woman. The realities of inclusivity, privilege, and tokenism for a young person in these unsafe spaces are concepts that are only limited to the boardroom, town hall, Board of Trustee meetings and Chief Executive' Offices. Things needed to change and I wanted to normalize these conversations. To provide the opportunity for young people to share their experiences because one thing that young people are never told enough of is that experiences are and should be what adds meaning to a space. I recognize that the spaces I've been able to walk in as a young person are ones that breathe elitism. And so to normalize these spaces, I wanted to share my lessons. To be transparent. However, I've come to the realization that although I've been able to discuss my personal experiences within these unsafe spaces and how they've been able to shape the advocate that I am today. I've failed to discuss my personal experiences as a young person outside these spaces and how they have ultimately been able to drive me as an advocate. Simply, the 'How' without the titles. See, I've kept this topic in my 'draft' tab for a while. Really trying to figure out when is it a good time to be vulnerable. The answer is simply, always. For the first time in a long time, my entire life was slowing down as a result of COVID-19 and I was the topic of discussion when it came to my deepest thoughts. I started to reflect on the journey of Veisinia Maka, the young person. Not Veisinia Maka, the University student. Not Veisinia Maka, the Youth Advocate. But just, Veisinia. I've taken you on a personal tour in this blog. I have provided you with an insight into who I am as an individual and the experiences that have shaped me as a young person. But I have never taken you on the journey of the people that have influenced this young person. And so, back to the topic at hand 'The Importance of Fatherhood'. I guess, by the title you're assuming that I'm going to re-tell a story about how a father played a large role in a young woman's personal development. You're semi-right. The father in this story just happens to be non-existent. It's fair to say that as a female what can I possibly say and offer to the discussion of 'Fatherhood'. Because despite thinking about it, we as a society are accustomed to putting gender to everything. 'Only 'Fatherhood' affects a young man's personal development'.

Right? I guess we'll figure that out. Growing up, I wanted to be a Police Officer. [I think it's clear to say that from my blog post 'Words Hurt' that, that career is highly unlikely to happen - EVER lmao]. Why? Because my Father was. Honest. Dedicated. And a Model Citizen. I grew up knowing that I wanted to be everything on that list. Because we're socially conditioned to believe that these are qualities we need to champion. [Another topic for another blog]. Like every Friday, I rushed home from school and packed my bags knowing that I was going to get picked up for the weekend. Pants - Check. T-shirts - Check. Nice clothes for Church - Check. Bags packed. I waited. Seat perched up near the window. One eye out the window and one eye on the phone. Hours went by and I told myself, 'He said 5 pm!?' Nothing. And so days turned into years and I became a reflection of a single mothers' hopes and dreams. Upholding a family name to a legacy that brought no significance to me. Because the one thing that connects me to something bigger hasn't been seen since I was 11-years-old. And so am I entitled to a last name that I have no identity to? Or is the lineage that my last name holds, qualify to reap in the successes of the achievements and sacrifices the woman who raised me had to endure? Questions. They'll never be answered. People will refer to this as 'Daddy Issues'. I call it intergenerational trauma. It's interesting, many people talk about the concept of how 'Fatherhood' affects a young man's understanding of the world but never a young woman's understanding of their identity. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to paint a picture here of a 'Father' as the only saving grace to a young woman's identity because frankly, I don't know, what I never received. The reality is that Fatherhood, just like Motherhood and any other significant figure in a young person's life is an important aspect of a young person's growth.

They are the people who shape our values and understanding of the world. Solidify our sense of belonging. And reminding us of our very own identity. For a large part of my teen years, I spent it looking at other male figures in my life as a way to fill in that void. To reinforce my understanding of the world. And to help unfold my sense of belonging. Like, many other young people in a single-parent household I found myself looking at other individuals for validation of my own identity. I'd be joking if I said that a lot of my ill-behavior in my teens was fuelled by my lack of a relationship with my Father and animosity towards the man who lived 15mins away but made the decisions to be absent. And so, I'd be lying if I said that when my father reached out to me at the age of 18 that it was exactly how I envisioned it to be. Unfortunately, I never envisioned that I would be having a conversation with someone who I barely knew. Someone who held a great significance to my identity but not my character. Our values didn't align. Questioned went unanswered. This was a stranger. And at that point, I realized that I wasn't the problem. I'll never understand the reasoning behind the actions my Father took. And I'll die never getting a direct answer. But I'm okay with that. Because I am not responsible for other people's actions. I am not responsible for other people's conscience. And I am not responsible for other people's short-comings. It's taken me years to get to a place where I feel at ease with this and I'm sure that is the case for many young people who grew up in a single-parent household. Too many people go through life bearing the burden of another individual's actions. Transferring this trauma onto different generations and relationships only to realize that they weren't the problem at the age of 65. But I'm here to tell you that your identity isn't dependent on a non-existent relationship. The 'Importance of Fatherhood' to this young woman was everything to her personal development growing up. But is now, absolutely nothing to the woman that she grew to be. I'm not too sure who needs to hear this but we are only responsible for our own personal actions, not others. There is a time where we have to come up with our own closure to a situation in order to stop living under our own potential because we allowed someone to define our sense of belonging and identity. So, I guess the title is a play on words because the 'Importance of Fatherhood' is everything but also nothing at the same time.